SPAM'd or Ads by SHAEF
by Team Blue
Summary: A mention about Kinch dealing with SPAM on the Hogan's Heroes Smartgroups prompted this piece of lunacy. What if spam, and I don't mean the processed meat, had existed during World War II? COMPLETED ONE SHOT. Please RR!


**SPAM'ed (or Ads by SHAEF)**  
Lisa Philbrick

_Author's Note, condensed: I don't own Hogan's Heroes, I'm making no profit and I don't care for spammers. LOL_

Sgt. James Kinchloe placed the headphones on his head and turned the crank to raise the antenna of the radio. After the click of a few switches he opened the frequency and attempted to hail "Mama Bear," otherwise known as London.

Static answered back on the radio. Suddenly another voice came over the air waves...

"_Congratulations! You're the winner! You're the #754818 Underground person to use this radio frequency! Say "Roger" to claim your prize!_"

"Aw c'mon..." Kinch cut the connection and attempted to reconnect again. He hailed London.

"Papa Bear, calling Mama Bear. Papa Bear, calling Mama Bear. Come in Mama Bear."

"We read you Papa Bear. Go ahead."

"We received instructions for tonight but need further information. Target zone is too broad. Need specifics on"

Another round of static and Kinch was cut off. A new voice came over the air waves.

"_Damaging Nazi SpyWare could be infected in your Underground radio. Say "ok" for a free NaziWare check of your system!_"

"I've already got Anti-NaziWare wiring in this thing!" Kinch exclaimed. He cut the connection again, sighed and reconnected.

"Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear. Did you receive last transmission? Please acknowledge."

"Roger, Papa Bear. We will get more specific information on the target zone, but it will take some time. We'll get back to you as soon as we can."

"Roger, Mama Bear. Papa Bear o"

"_Get the next generation of Kilroys! Just say "Kilroy Was Here" to receive your free shipment via the next Underground air drop._"

"Argh!" Kinch literally pulled the wire out of the receiver this time, cutting the connection. "I can't believe the Underground allows this! It's the middle of a war, for god's sake..." He paused a moment, took a deep breath and plugged the wire back in. He then changed frequencies to hail the local Underground unit.

"Papa Bear calling all the Big Bears. This is Papa Bear, come in please."

"Roger Papa Bear. We read you."

"I just spoke with Mama Bear. She is collecting more information and will get back to us. Stand by for"

"_Book now for your next RR. Six days in the Swiss Alps! Weekend in Paris! 7 days and 6 nights to the US..._"

Kinch killed the connection again. "You would tempt me wouldn't you?" He waited a moment and then reconnected, hailing the Underground again.

"Roger, Papa Bear. Received your last transmission. We will stand by for further instructions."

"Affirmative. Papa Bear out."

"_Paris is buzzing...and we're not talking about V-1 rockets either! It's "Fatales Féminin" the most risqué and revealing film to ever see the light of a big screenbut it was for a short while! Banned in Paris, London, Rome and practically everywhere the day after it's release, you can now own this hotly sought after film on glorious 16mm..._"

Kinch pulled the connection again. "That film is so old. About time they started pushing a new one..."

A little while later, London called back with the new information.

"Mama Bear calling Papa Bear. Come in Papa Bear."

"Go ahead, Mama Bear."

"Have additional information you requested. Target zone reduced by 6 miles east, 2 miles south"

"_Do you listen to Armed Forces Network? Tell us and you could win 20.00!_"

"And just where am I going to spend it?" Kinch switched off the transmission and waited a moment before reconnecting.

"Mama Bear, can you please repeat?"

"Target zone reduced by 6 miles east, 2 miles south. The bread basket is full."

Bread basket. That was code for a supply depot. Hot damn!

"Acknowledged, Mama Bear. The bread basket is full. Roger, over and"

"_Get a 50,000 watt transmitter! Change to the next frequency to enter!_"

Kinch yanked the wire out again. "OUT!" He took the headphones off and went to deliver the message to Colonel Hogan before calling the Underground.

End


End file.
